


Longing- A Tommyinnit Angst Fanfic

by spoongobrrr



Category: Dream SMP - Fandom
Genre: Dream Smp, Self Harm, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, tommyinnit angst, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-15 23:08:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29691354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spoongobrrr/pseuds/spoongobrrr
Summary: Suicidal thoughts starring our lovely boy Tommyinnit.
Relationships: No Romantic Relationships - Relationship
Comments: 2
Kudos: 91





	Longing- A Tommyinnit Angst Fanfic

**Author's Note:**

> TW FOR SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, IDEATION, AND SELF HARM. This is also more of a vent fic than my last ones, so it'll be slightly messy. Don't expect too much out of this one. Please, I wouldn't recommend reading this if you aren't in a good headspace. You have been warned.

It was happening again. 

The thoughts were spinning in his head, constantly. 

There was nothing Tommy could do. He felt alone, he felt... just bad. 

He wanted to die. 

Die.

Die.

Die.

Die.

Die.

That was the only thing on his mind.

He could overdose.

Jump.

Stab himself.

There were just so many nice options to choose from. 

Tommy smiled at himself, thinking about all of his options. When he heard a loud knock on his door. Stashing away his thoughts and emotions, he walked over to the door and opened it. "Tommy, it's time to eat," a worried Wilbur said quietly from behind the door. 

"Ah, I'll be out there soon, Wil!" Tommy said, forcing a smile onto his face. As Wilbur was leaving, Tommy quickly shut the door and sunk to the floor. He didn't want to go out there. He didn't want to eat. He'll just be reminding everyone of the disappointment that he is. He didn't want anyone to be burned with his hardships, let alone his entire being. Tommy sighed loudly, knowing that one way or another he will have to go. Slowly, he picked himself off the floor and tried to regain some sanity. Even a little bit would help save what he looked like to his family. That's what mattered. As long as he looked happy and healthy to his family, that's the only thing that mattered. They didn't need to know what was happening behind closed doors. No one did. It was only his business and no one else's. Tommy took another deep breath in and went downstairs.

"Ello everyone!" Tommy announced loudly. "Where's the tasty food?" Wilbur and Techno chuckled, while Tubbo just smiled and shook his head. 

"It's over here, Tommy. Now come get it while it's hot," Philza pointed at the stove where steam was still rising from the pancakes, eggs, and bacon. It all looked really good; warm enough to warm his heart for even a moment. Tommy grabbed a couple of pieces of everything and sat down at the table with the rest of the family. Everyone else looked happy, so why wasn't he? Tommy put on a smile as everyone else sat down at the table, digging into their food. 

Tommy didn't want to eat it. That was too much effort. It wasn't going to be worth it anyways. He wasn't expecting to live for much longer anyhow. Wilbur glanced over at Tommy, with an evidently worried look on his face. Tommy just smirked at him and started putting food into his mouth. **This shit feels like... mud. It's not even helping. It's supposed to be helping. All of this is supposed to be helping. Why isn't anything helping?** Tommy kept eating while thoughts, one after another, were streaming into his head.

Tommy forced the tears back and just managed to finish the plate. He thought he was going to throw up. Everything hurt so badly. It felt like he was going to throw up and pass out at the same time. He couldn't describe this feeling really, but it was just unpleasant. He wanted to end everything. Maybe then, all of this pain and suffering could finally be over. Maybe then he would finally get some relief. Not now though. He was supposed to be pretending. He was supposed to be happy right now. No one needed to help him; it's not like they could do anything anyways. 

Tommy bid everyone goodbye and headed back to his room. He couldn't be around them anymore. It was too much effort to pretend to be happy and okay. He wasn't okay and just hadn't been for a really long time. Luckily enough, no one would notice even if he was acting differently. It's not like anybody cared about him, let alone all the shit he deals with on a daily basis. Tommy sat down on his bed with a thump and laid his head in his arms. He was just... so tired. More tired than anyone can describe. He didn't want sleep, he just wanted everything to end. Only then would he be "okay". Tommy gave up and just laid down. Maybe sleep could take him, and he could be done with this hell, at least for a moment. Tommy closed his eyes, wishing for something to happen, just something, anything. 

Wilbur was starting to get really worried about Tommy. He hardly ever came out of his room and Tubbo was left alone most of the time. Wilbur wasn't sure what was going on, but in any case, he wanted to help. Wilbur knocked on Tommy's door, only to be greeted by nothing. Quietly, Wilbur opened the door and peaked in. He saw the lanky boy curled up, fast asleep. Wilbur let out a soft sigh of relief, happy to know that he was only sleeping. Nothing more, nothing less. Leaving the boy to his slumber, Wilbur went back out with everyone else. "Hey Wil, where's Tommy?" Tubbo asked, obviously bored and in need of something to do. 

"Hush, Tubbo. He's sleeping right now. Don't disturb him," Wilbur hushed the bored child, and patted him on the head a couple of times. Tubbo shook his head and wandered back over to the couch, hoping to find something on tv. 

"Hey Wil, I've been a little curious about something," Philza motioned Wilbur over. 

"Hmm?" 

"Tommy's not been doing well recently, has he?" Philza asked, concern lacing his voice. Wilbur said nothing, and just slowly nodded his head. He wasn't sure what else to say if anything. 

Tommy woke up, his head pounding. He was just as tired as before, so that was utterly worthless. He was utterly worthless. Tommy chuckled, realizing how stupid he sounded. His thoughts were a jumble; a dumb mesh of words. Honestly, he didn't know what to do. He had an idea, but, that one took a little more effort than what Tommy was willing to put in. He sat up and stretched. Maybe Wilbur wanted to do something. Tommy wasn't going to be able to just be here with his thoughts. They were way too much for him to handle, especially right after waking up. Tommy glanced over at his door, noticing that it was slightly cracked open. Tommy was always very careful about closing his doors, just so his voice wouldn't carry as much. Tommy saw Wilbur standing in the kitchen, along with Philza, seemingly talking about something important. Tommy carefully snuck out of his room to hear what was happening. He only could hear snippets, but that was enough to drive him into a panic. As quietly as a panicked person can, Tommy ran back to his room and shut the door behind him. **No, no. This can't be happening. I'm fine. I'm fine. Why can't they see that? Why won't they believe it? I've been working my ass off to look "okay" and yet, they somehow noticed. This isn't good. They aren't supposed to know, let alone care about me. What do I do? What do I do?** Thoughts like these spiraled through Tommy's head. 

Panic was engulfing Tommy. No one was supposed to know about this, no one. Tommy sunk to the floor and curled up into a ball. This couldn't happen. Not now. Not now. Tommy crawled to his sock drawer and opened it. He's been stashing pills in here for a few months now, knowing this day would approach. In a panic, Tommy reached up to grab a glass of water on his dresser, but he just ended up knocking it over. It made a loud noise so he needed to be quick. As fast as he could, he shoved the pills into his mouth and swallowed. Within seconds, someone was knocking on his door. Tommy wiped his face off and tried to look okay. He opened the door to reveal a very worried Wilbur and Philza. "Ah, Tommy," Philza looked past Tommy, "are you okay? What happened?"

"Pff," Tommy forced, "I only knocked a glass of water over."

"Oh, so is that why your eyes are red and puffy?" Wilbur asked, trying not to sound too rude. 

"It just hit my toes, and, I could barely take that pain. Don't worry though, I have it all cleaned up. Nothing broke so it's okay," Tommy spoke quickly, hoping they would just leave. He had mixed in some sleep meds so he didn't have long before they took effect. Wilbur and Philza glanced at each other, obviously still worried, but they left Tommy and headed back into the kitchen. Tommy shut the door and laid down on his bed. This would all be over soon enough. He just needed to wait. Tommy closed his eyes. "Fuck you," he whispered, before drifting off. 

"Tommy? Tommy?" Wilbur called. "Where are you? It's time for dinner!" Wilbur just assumed Tommy would be in his room, per usual, playing Minecraft or something of the sort. Wilbur opened Tommy's door and noticed the boy laying in bed. As he stepped closer, the foam from Tommy's mouth was visible. Wilbur screamed, sobbing and calling for help. If only he had been paying more attention. He might have been able to prevent this. Wilbur rested his head on Tommy's hand as sirens blared outside. 


End file.
